Banny
By Short answer
- Sensate focus is a series of touch exercises, developed by Masters and Johnson, that remove the goal of orgasm.
- It works on the anxiety side of death grip and helps you relearn the sensation of a partner's touch.
- Move through stages: non-genital touch, genital touch with no goal, then still containment before movement.
- Agree in advance that nobody needs to finish. That is the whole point.
Sensate focus is a set of structured touch exercises developed by sex researchers Masters and Johnson, and it's still a staple of sex therapy (ISSM). For death grip, it does two things at once: it removes the pressure to finish, and it trains your attention onto a partner's touch instead of the old recipe.
Ground rules
- No goal. Nobody needs to get aroused, and nobody needs to finish. If it happens, fine; it's not the point.
- Take turns. One person touches, the other receives, then swap.
- Focus on sensation. Temperature, texture, pressure. When your mind wanders, bring it back.
- Say what you like, gently and without judgment.
- Agree on the stage beforehand, and don't jump ahead in the moment.
Sessions of 20 to 40 minutes, a couple of times a week, work well. Stay on each stage for at least a few sessions.
Stage 1: Non-genital touch
Explore each other's bodies, avoiding genitals and breasts. The receiver simply notices. The toucher touches for their own curiosity, not to arouse. This stage teaches both of you that touch can be enjoyable with no outcome attached.
Stage 2: Genital touch, no goal
Include genital touch, but still with no aim of orgasm and no penetration. Use lubricant and a light touch. For the person recovering from death grip, this is where you practise noticing a partner's lighter touch instead of wishing it were your own grip.
Stage 3: Containment without movement
Penetration is allowed, but stay still at first and just notice warmth and sensation. Then add slow, gentle movement. Still no goal of finishing.
Stage 4: Return to sex, without the scoreboard
Gradually return to fuller sex, keeping the same attitude: presence over performance. Many therapists pair this with the 72-hour rule: no solo orgasm in the three days before (Perelman, 2016).
How it fits with the rest of recovery
Sensate focus works best alongside the other parts of the plan: a short reset, solo retraining with a light grip, and an honest conversation beforehand. In Banny, sensate focus stages unlock alongside your retraining so you're not jumping ahead.
Troubleshooting
- "I lose my erection." That's fine and common, especially early. There's no goal. A doctor can talk with you about short-term options if anxiety around erections is heavy.
- "My mind keeps going to porn." Notice it, and return to one specific sensation, such as your partner's hand on your skin.
- "We broke the rules and went for it." No harm done. Go back to the agreed stage next time.
If anxiety or relationship tension is heavy, a sex therapist can guide these exercises with you. For the full plan, see how to fix death grip syndrome.
Frequently asked questions
Does sensate focus help with death grip?
It can. Sensate focus removes the pressure to finish and trains attention onto a partner's touch, which addresses the anxiety and focus parts of death grip. It works best alongside a short reset and solo retraining.
How long should each sensate focus stage last?
Usually at least a few sessions per stage, with sessions of 20 to 40 minutes a couple of times a week. Move on only when both partners feel comfortable.
Keep reading
How to Talk to Your Partner About Death Grip Syndrome
When you cannot finish, your partner often assumes it is about them. A short, honest conversation takes that weight off both of you, and it is one of the most effective things you can do for recovery.
How to Fix Death Grip Syndrome: A Step-by-Step Plan
Death grip is a trained habit, and trained habits can be retrained. Here is the plan sex therapists describe, and the one our founder used: a short reset, lighter retraining, a new mental focus, then carrying it over to a partner.
How I Overcame Death Grip Syndrome: My Honest Story
I didn't know I had death grip until I was with a partner and couldn't finish, no matter what. Here's what happened, what I changed, what still goes wrong sometimes, and why I built Banny.